Habits Fuel Purpose – Part 2: The Importance of Self-Reflection

In this last post, we began to explore the connection between purpose and habits, especially the fact we must develop habits that keep us aligned to our larger purpose. In the end, cultivating this connection between purpose and habits will strengthen our ability to come through any change a more resilient person.

The key question remains – What practical ways can we strengthen the purpose – habit connection?  

First, let’s dive deeper into purpose. In a thought-provoking article entitled “Has Performance Become Your Purpose” business leader Kevin Cashman defines purpose as an intersection of “distinguishing talents and our deepest-held values”. He goes on to note that purpose is “our authenticity in-service to something larger."  Honestly, it is often easy to identify “something larger” (e.g. having a healthy relationship with our children or successfully leading a new initiative at work), but it is surprisingly tricky to figure out practical skills to realize this larger purpose. Habits fuel purpose. It isn’t enough to merely declare that you want to impact “something larger”, you must identify the practical habits or “distinguishing talents” you will use to make progress towards that larger purpose.  

The first habit we each should consider is self-reflection. 

I can’t overstate the fact that if we are in danger of wasting our change, it is often because we don’t give ourselves space to reflect on how the change is impacting us personally. 

Regardless of where you are in the cycle of your change, you will benefit from being honest with yourself about how the change is impacting you. It can be keeping a personal journal like the one I wrote after leaving Minnesota or making time to talk with a good friend about how you are dealing with the changes you are going through. 

Regardless of how you self-reflect, we each need space to think about where we have come from, where we are going and what we want to take with us in our next season – whether a stage in life or project at work. In this self-reflection, you may also find bad habits have prevented you from having the impact you originally envisioned. If that’s the case, you may start by reflecting on the simple connection between your calendar and your purpose. Did the way you spent your time reflect that “something larger” that you want to impact? If you fell short, which we all do, take time to reflect on the good habits you want to put in place to improve in the next season.  

Often the missing habits won’t be surprising (e.g. consistently getting enough sleep or learning to say “no” to your boss’ requests for commitments outside your current project), but the ability to improve these habits may be confusing. Cashman is correct, that our “deepest held values” play a significant part of fueling our purpose. If you are struggling to overcome a bad habit, go back to these values to help you remember the “something larger” that you want to achieve through your habits. Beyond this “something larger” you must find other external influences from other people to provide accountability that encourages your good habits. In my next post, I plan to explore the role that a personal support network plays in providing this accountability.   

In the meantime, I welcome your comments on self-reflection. 

How has self-reflection helped your ability to stay aligned with your larger purpose? 

What are the most effective ways you've found to be self reflective?



Originally published here via LinkedIn on August 4, 2017

Habits Fuel Purpose

In my previous post on resilience, I noted the importance of purpose in empowering anyone to successfully emerge from any change. Purpose gives us power to “focus beyond our immediate circumstances or feelings.” The good news is that purpose not only calls us outside of our immediate context, but there are habits that can improve our ability to stay in the path of purpose. One of those habits is that of self-reflection.

We are in danger of wasting our change, if don’t give ourselves space to reflect on how the change is impacting us personally.

This doesn’t require going on a two-day private retreat in the woods, but can simply be daily habits of journaling and quiet meditation – regularly giving ourselves a few minutes to pause and reflect. The importance of purpose came home to me as I rolled away from our home in Minnesota this past summer of 2016. 

Our two years in Minnesota had not only been rich in relationships, but also surprisingly short. God has been very clear that there were many good reasons He was calling us to a global popcorn adventure in China, more details on that here. However, there was real grief from leaving the intimacy of our known communities in Minnesota for numerous unknowns in China.      

As the moving truck rolled down the road to leave Minneapolis, I said a silent prayer. I asked God for equal parts grief and faith – “Help me to mourn the loss of a season that was so sweet with countless evidences of your care for our family.” I also asked for God’s practical help - “Help me also to see how to take what I’ve learned in Minnesota and carry it with me to where you are calling our family next.” 

As I jotted this prayer down in my personal journal I began to realize that there were habits I had cultivated in Minnesota that I want to carry with me to China, including:

• 1) Having “off-line” time each morning and evening for daily meditation and reflection
• 2) Making time every month for consistent "Daddy Dates" with each of our four kids 
• 3) Regularly connecting with men who want to better lead their families and communities 

Not surprisingly, I quickly noted that each of these three habits were connected to three key areas of my purpose – personal development, family relationships and community impact. As I began to reflect on this connection, I realized that

purpose fuels habits

In other words, our ability to focus beyond our immediate circumstances or emotions doesn’t just happen by accident; it must be cultivated in our daily lives. At the same time these habits can’t survive on their own – as though I could simply will myself to a commitment of 30 minutes in “off-line” meditation every day. This habit of meditation will cease to be meaningful, if it is not connected to a larger purpose.

In the next post, I will further explore this connection between purpose and habits, especially as it relates to practical matters like how we spend our time. In the meantime, I am curious to hear the perspective of others. 

Do habits help fuel your larger purpose? If so, which habits are most important? 

What practical steps have helped you to form habits connected to your purpose?

Originally published here via LinkedIn on May 1, 2017

One Tip for Effective Communication in China: The Rule of Three

Effective communication requires engagement from both ends of the communication cycle—both the ability to send a message and receive feedback from your audience. Using this cycle to reach a common understanding is more of an art than a science—even when we communicate with others from our home culture. However, it is even more challenging when communicating cross-culturally in China.

Communications Cycle

Image Source: Living Well Education

A key communications difference is the Chinese emphasis on maintaining a good relationship, which generally comes across through indirect communications where messages are communicated more subtly. However, typical American communications focuses on details and efficiency in a style that is more direct. In my experience, adjusting to the Chinese communication style is more effective than forcing Chinese friends or colleagues to adjust to the American default. This adjustment may honestly feel like a waste of time as it means personal interactions may take longer, but is a critical way to build relationships of trust with Chinese connections. 

One Tip: The Rule of Three

A practice that helped my interaction with Chinese friends and colleagues is the rule of three - asking about the same topic three different times in three different ways".  I first learned of this concept through an invaluable class called "Connecting across Cultures" from Global Savvy and it has proved to be an invaluable practice.

Image Source: Germane Consulting

Case in Point: Lunch Plans

In question— arranging lunch with a group of coworkers.

In America this question is typically resolved in short order through a direct dialogue centered around everyone's availability. If your colleagues, aren't available, you identify a time when everyone is available in the near future and update calendars accordingly. However, while living in China over 8 years I discovered this question was not so simple.

A Typical Lunch Dialogue in China

Step 1 (10 am): A general question followed by a vague answer

Question - "Hey, what's the plan for lunch today?”

Answer – "I don't know."

Follow Up - "Ok. Well, keep me posted."

Step 2 (11 am): A more specific question followed by a still murky answer

Question - "So about what time are you thinking about going to lunch today?"

Answer – "Probably before 12."

Follow Up - "Got it. I'll check back in a bit.

Step 3 (11:45 am): An even more specific question followed by going to lunch.

Question – "So where are we going for lunch?

Answer - "Either the Sichuan place or the spicy fish place."

Follow Up - "Great. Either works for me. Let's go!"

In the end, we may go to a completely different restaurant! However, when lunch involved a group, the communication was indirect and required me to ask at least two times before arriving at a clear answer. This does not mean that Chinese people always communicate in an indirect fashion, but in social activities for a group indirect communication is the default. Adjusting to this style was difficult, especially because such indirect communication is not the default for most people in America.

Broader Applications at Work

While this post has focused on a lunch dialogue, I also found the rule of three helpful when discussing projects at work. If I simply asked a direct question, I may have received a prompt reply, but the feedback either created inaccurate perceptions or misunderstandings. If we dig deeper into the source of these communication differences it comes back to the way the Chinese person views relationships. In the next post, we will explore in more depth the major differences on how these two cultures view relationships.

Thoughts on Social Media After my "Fastbook Fast"

Does it ever feel like checking your Facebook Wall to "like" your "friends" newest silly picture or share your personal commentary on world events is a mild addiction that you can't kick!? 

To be honest, for me back in February I could sense these sort of tenancies arising in my heart.

In my February 12, 2013 post I began to explore how technology can be used as a tool to connect with others and increase our personal productivity.  However, after discussing some of the issues in that post with my wife, we jointly made the decision to "fast" or abstain from viewing or posting on Facebook as part of lent.  

I went into the fast holding a number of convictions on how to best use social media.  However, now that I have come to the end of six weeks without Facebook, I wanted to reflect on key lessons I learned from this "Facebook Fast".  I especially want to talk about how it has changed my personal convictions about the best way to use social media to build connections with others and how to avoid those addictive tendencies moving forward.    

"Facebook Fast" Takeaways
  
I would capture my lessons learned about Facebook into two camps - the first is largely a list of things to avoid and the second those I want to embrace. 

#1 With Facebook I don't...

• Need to comment on everything that happens - either in my personal life or in world news.  Sometimes, it is ok to just let something your kids said be funny or simply share it with your family or friends the old fashion way - over phone or e-mail.  Furthermore, when crazy things happen - like North Korean launching a "We are the World" music video - it can just be funny and you don't have to tell the world your personal opinion on the matter.

• Gain as much satisfaction on-line as through face to face interaction: When I chose not to follow what was happening in people's lives through Facebook, my face to face interaction with them became even more precious.  I enjoyed discovering what they were thinking or feeling for the first time without having already read about it on-line.  What is more, I was reminded just how much more satisfying it is to have a face to face conversation.  You can understand a bit about how your friend is feeling about moving back to the U.S. after living in China for years by following their Facebook feed.  However, sitting down and talking with them about their feelings, provides a much richer experience. 

• Need to eat when I am not hungry.  I have heard it said that "Facebook has become the equivalent to standing in front of the fridge and looking for something to eat when you aren't actually hungry."  I found this to be very true during my fast.  Yes, I felt lonelier, especially at first, but I soon realized that what I was missing was largely trivial interactions.  These interactions largely provided a way to feed my urge to gather a large quantity of information or served as a distraction from things I was procrastinating.  I often succeeded in gaining information, but it was far from satisfying, especially if it wasn't related to someone with whom I had a on-going, real life connection.          

#2 With Facebook I Do...

• Learn - Staying in Touch:  Facebook is a powerful tool to stay up to date on the photos, funny moments and general thoughts of my family, friends and others I can learn from.  Without Facebook I missed seeing pictures of my growing new-born niece and the latest funny story from my friend who seems to pick up China news stories before the mainstream media.  

• Share - A Convenient Platform: I want a platform to quickly share information with a wide group of people I have a connection to (IE: blog postings, funny pictures or experiences).  During my "Facebook Fast" I had to find other ways to share this information with others.  While there is still merit in traditional tools like e-mail, one of the major values of Facebook is that it is convenient. 

Facebook Ambitions Moving Forward

With these experiences there are at least two things I aim to change when it comes to how I use Facebook

• #1 Be Intentional:  Before I even point my browser to Facebook, I want to have a clear purpose in mind for how I plan to use the site to share or connect with others.  If I can't think of something specific to share or someone in particular that I was to connect with, then I don't need to get on the site.

• #2 Set Limits: Facebook is one of many tools I can use to connect with those around me; therefore, it is healthy to set limits as to how much and for what purposes I use it.  
• The first part of the limits are natural - if I have not had a significant conversation with my wife or children, today I need to prioritize interaction with them over any interaction I might be able to gain on-line.    
• The other part of the limits are more mechanical.  In this area, one of the best tools recommended to me is the Pomodoro Technique.  You can learn more on their website, but the big idea is to use a timer to rotate between 25 minutes of "work" and 5 minutes of "non-work" activities.  It works best when I have tasks that are primarily my responsibility to complete.  The Pomodoro Timer app on Google Chrome as helps me stay focused and avoid the temptation to go on Facebook or other "non-work" sites during a time I have designated for focusing on work.  In fact, if you try to go on any non-work sites it will block you with a pomodoro tomato!    

Community Question 

So what do you think?  Do you have any tips that help you use social media like Facebook in a healthy way?  How do you use social media to build significant connections with those around you?

Fathers Build Community

I am passionate about intentionally building community. Personally, I believe community building begins with our families. Recently, I had the opportunity to speak at a special community gathering here in Shanghai when the International Church of Shanghai (ICS) organized an "Aquarium Sleep Over" for children and their fathers. I was delighted to not only join the event with our two oldest children, but also speak to the fathers.

The Kids and I - Tired and Happy After Our "Aquarium Sleep Over"

 

There were two key points in the "Father's Talk" I gave to the 40 or so fathers who attended the sleepover event.

Vision: Why Fathers Matter

First, I shared some facts about the importance of fathers by looking at the impact of "Fatherless Homes" on children. I highlighted the following:

1) Size and History: “At least 24 million children in America -- one out of three -- live in biological father-absent homes.” (Fatherhood.org) In addition, “children living in mother-only households has risen from 8 percent in 1960 to 23 percent in 2010.” (Freakanomics)

2) Impact to the Economy: “Children in father-absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. In 2011, 12 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 44 percent of children in mother-only families.”  (Fatherhood.org)

3) Impact to Society: “Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. A 2002 Department of Justice survey of 7,000 inmates revealed that 39% of jail inmates lived in mother-only households.”  (Fatherhood.org)

These tidbits are only the tip of the iceberg – a more complete list can be found here – but the key idea is that fathers make a significant impact on their families and communities as a whole. To keep it relevant to the fathers at the aquarium (and myself), I focused not on the problem in general, but specific tools we can use to make an impact on our own kids.

Key Tool: Spend Time with Your Kids

I suggested that intentionally spending focused time with our kids is one of the best ways to impact their lives. I highlighted two specific time slots I regularly reserve to spend time with our kids:

1) Daily: One of my daily highlights is reading to our kids before they go to bed. The kids pick the book or series they want to read and we rotate between the books that our older two kids have picked. Several of the series that our kids (and I) have especially enjoyed include the Chronicles of Narnia, the Wingfeather Saga and the 100 Cupboard Series.

2) Monthly: Another time slot we carve out is monthly Daddy Dates (for the girls) or Guy Time (for the boys).  The aim of this time is to take the kids individual out to spend focused time with them.  Not only does this time provide deeper insights into the concerns the children have, but it also helps me see the unique passions and gifts of each child.  With our oldest daughter (who is 10) the talk is about how I will help her find a husband, but with our oldest son (who is 7) we are pretending to blow up stuff!

After the event, I recognized that there is a third way of spending time with our kids that I have also found helpful:

 

3) On the Road:  I also seek to take advantage of common tasks to spend time with the kids.  For example, recently I started to take our 3 year old daughter with me on my monthly run to the bank.  While they aren’t a full blown “Daddy Date” they do provide an opportunity to spend more time with the kids and they usually make a mundane task more enjoyable!

That Sounds Ideal, But What Do You Do When You Fail

In all of these activities, I recognize the need to have guidelines for when things don’t go well.  Honestly, I am not always thrilled to read a bed time story or take a child with me on an errand.  There are times when I want them to just shut off the lights and “GO TO BED” because I have been trying to put them to bed for the past hour!  Yet, when I do fail to treat them as I should, I strive to be honest about my failings by telling them I have wrong them and asking for their forgiveness. 

In addition to honesty, another principle that is incredibly helpful is partnership with my wife.  Often times, I don’t know how to solve an issue with the kids and my wife will have a far better (and usually simpler) solution.  I am learning that rather than trying to ram-rod my guidance to the kids down their throat, it is far more effective to ask my wife for help.

 What is Your Take?

So, where do you land on this issue of the impact father’s can make on their kids through intentionally spending time with them?  What practical methods do you currently use to invest in the children in your life – whether as a parent or just an adult investing in the life of a child you love?