Habits Fuel Purpose

In my previous post on resilience, I noted the importance of purpose in empowering anyone to successfully emerge from any change. Purpose gives us power to “focus beyond our immediate circumstances or feelings.” The good news is that purpose not only calls us outside of our immediate context, but there are habits that can improve our ability to stay in the path of purpose. One of those habits is that of self-reflection.

We are in danger of wasting our change, if don’t give ourselves space to reflect on how the change is impacting us personally.

This doesn’t require going on a two-day private retreat in the woods, but can simply be daily habits of journaling and quiet meditation – regularly giving ourselves a few minutes to pause and reflect. The importance of purpose came home to me as I rolled away from our home in Minnesota this past summer of 2016. 

Our two years in Minnesota had not only been rich in relationships, but also surprisingly short. God has been very clear that there were many good reasons He was calling us to a global popcorn adventure in China, more details on that here. However, there was real grief from leaving the intimacy of our known communities in Minnesota for numerous unknowns in China.      

As the moving truck rolled down the road to leave Minneapolis, I said a silent prayer. I asked God for equal parts grief and faith – “Help me to mourn the loss of a season that was so sweet with countless evidences of your care for our family.” I also asked for God’s practical help - “Help me also to see how to take what I’ve learned in Minnesota and carry it with me to where you are calling our family next.” 

As I jotted this prayer down in my personal journal I began to realize that there were habits I had cultivated in Minnesota that I want to carry with me to China, including:

• 1) Having “off-line” time each morning and evening for daily meditation and reflection
• 2) Making time every month for consistent "Daddy Dates" with each of our four kids 
• 3) Regularly connecting with men who want to better lead their families and communities 

Not surprisingly, I quickly noted that each of these three habits were connected to three key areas of my purpose – personal development, family relationships and community impact. As I began to reflect on this connection, I realized that

purpose fuels habits

In other words, our ability to focus beyond our immediate circumstances or emotions doesn’t just happen by accident; it must be cultivated in our daily lives. At the same time these habits can’t survive on their own – as though I could simply will myself to a commitment of 30 minutes in “off-line” meditation every day. This habit of meditation will cease to be meaningful, if it is not connected to a larger purpose.

In the next post, I will further explore this connection between purpose and habits, especially as it relates to practical matters like how we spend our time. In the meantime, I am curious to hear the perspective of others. 

Do habits help fuel your larger purpose? If so, which habits are most important? 

What practical steps have helped you to form habits connected to your purpose?

Originally published here via LinkedIn on May 1, 2017

Fathers Build Community

I am passionate about intentionally building community. Personally, I believe community building begins with our families. Recently, I had the opportunity to speak at a special community gathering here in Shanghai when the International Church of Shanghai (ICS) organized an "Aquarium Sleep Over" for children and their fathers. I was delighted to not only join the event with our two oldest children, but also speak to the fathers.

The Kids and I - Tired and Happy After Our "Aquarium Sleep Over"

 

There were two key points in the "Father's Talk" I gave to the 40 or so fathers who attended the sleepover event.

Vision: Why Fathers Matter

First, I shared some facts about the importance of fathers by looking at the impact of "Fatherless Homes" on children. I highlighted the following:

1) Size and History: “At least 24 million children in America -- one out of three -- live in biological father-absent homes.” (Fatherhood.org) In addition, “children living in mother-only households has risen from 8 percent in 1960 to 23 percent in 2010.” (Freakanomics)

2) Impact to the Economy: “Children in father-absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. In 2011, 12 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 44 percent of children in mother-only families.”  (Fatherhood.org)

3) Impact to Society: “Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. A 2002 Department of Justice survey of 7,000 inmates revealed that 39% of jail inmates lived in mother-only households.”  (Fatherhood.org)

These tidbits are only the tip of the iceberg – a more complete list can be found here – but the key idea is that fathers make a significant impact on their families and communities as a whole. To keep it relevant to the fathers at the aquarium (and myself), I focused not on the problem in general, but specific tools we can use to make an impact on our own kids.

Key Tool: Spend Time with Your Kids

I suggested that intentionally spending focused time with our kids is one of the best ways to impact their lives. I highlighted two specific time slots I regularly reserve to spend time with our kids:

1) Daily: One of my daily highlights is reading to our kids before they go to bed. The kids pick the book or series they want to read and we rotate between the books that our older two kids have picked. Several of the series that our kids (and I) have especially enjoyed include the Chronicles of Narnia, the Wingfeather Saga and the 100 Cupboard Series.

2) Monthly: Another time slot we carve out is monthly Daddy Dates (for the girls) or Guy Time (for the boys).  The aim of this time is to take the kids individual out to spend focused time with them.  Not only does this time provide deeper insights into the concerns the children have, but it also helps me see the unique passions and gifts of each child.  With our oldest daughter (who is 10) the talk is about how I will help her find a husband, but with our oldest son (who is 7) we are pretending to blow up stuff!

After the event, I recognized that there is a third way of spending time with our kids that I have also found helpful:

 

3) On the Road:  I also seek to take advantage of common tasks to spend time with the kids.  For example, recently I started to take our 3 year old daughter with me on my monthly run to the bank.  While they aren’t a full blown “Daddy Date” they do provide an opportunity to spend more time with the kids and they usually make a mundane task more enjoyable!

That Sounds Ideal, But What Do You Do When You Fail

In all of these activities, I recognize the need to have guidelines for when things don’t go well.  Honestly, I am not always thrilled to read a bed time story or take a child with me on an errand.  There are times when I want them to just shut off the lights and “GO TO BED” because I have been trying to put them to bed for the past hour!  Yet, when I do fail to treat them as I should, I strive to be honest about my failings by telling them I have wrong them and asking for their forgiveness. 

In addition to honesty, another principle that is incredibly helpful is partnership with my wife.  Often times, I don’t know how to solve an issue with the kids and my wife will have a far better (and usually simpler) solution.  I am learning that rather than trying to ram-rod my guidance to the kids down their throat, it is far more effective to ask my wife for help.

 What is Your Take?

So, where do you land on this issue of the impact father’s can make on their kids through intentionally spending time with them?  What practical methods do you currently use to invest in the children in your life – whether as a parent or just an adult investing in the life of a child you love?