Fathers Build Community

I am passionate about intentionally building community. Personally, I believe community building begins with our families. Recently, I had the opportunity to speak at a special community gathering here in Shanghai when the International Church of Shanghai (ICS) organized an "Aquarium Sleep Over" for children and their fathers. I was delighted to not only join the event with our two oldest children, but also speak to the fathers.

The Kids and I - Tired and Happy After Our "Aquarium Sleep Over"

 

There were two key points in the "Father's Talk" I gave to the 40 or so fathers who attended the sleepover event.

Vision: Why Fathers Matter

First, I shared some facts about the importance of fathers by looking at the impact of "Fatherless Homes" on children. I highlighted the following:

1) Size and History: “At least 24 million children in America -- one out of three -- live in biological father-absent homes.” (Fatherhood.org) In addition, “children living in mother-only households has risen from 8 percent in 1960 to 23 percent in 2010.” (Freakanomics)

2) Impact to the Economy: “Children in father-absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. In 2011, 12 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 44 percent of children in mother-only families.”  (Fatherhood.org)

3) Impact to Society: “Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. A 2002 Department of Justice survey of 7,000 inmates revealed that 39% of jail inmates lived in mother-only households.”  (Fatherhood.org)

These tidbits are only the tip of the iceberg – a more complete list can be found here – but the key idea is that fathers make a significant impact on their families and communities as a whole. To keep it relevant to the fathers at the aquarium (and myself), I focused not on the problem in general, but specific tools we can use to make an impact on our own kids.

Key Tool: Spend Time with Your Kids

I suggested that intentionally spending focused time with our kids is one of the best ways to impact their lives. I highlighted two specific time slots I regularly reserve to spend time with our kids:

1) Daily: One of my daily highlights is reading to our kids before they go to bed. The kids pick the book or series they want to read and we rotate between the books that our older two kids have picked. Several of the series that our kids (and I) have especially enjoyed include the Chronicles of Narnia, the Wingfeather Saga and the 100 Cupboard Series.

2) Monthly: Another time slot we carve out is monthly Daddy Dates (for the girls) or Guy Time (for the boys).  The aim of this time is to take the kids individual out to spend focused time with them.  Not only does this time provide deeper insights into the concerns the children have, but it also helps me see the unique passions and gifts of each child.  With our oldest daughter (who is 10) the talk is about how I will help her find a husband, but with our oldest son (who is 7) we are pretending to blow up stuff!

After the event, I recognized that there is a third way of spending time with our kids that I have also found helpful:

 

3) On the Road:  I also seek to take advantage of common tasks to spend time with the kids.  For example, recently I started to take our 3 year old daughter with me on my monthly run to the bank.  While they aren’t a full blown “Daddy Date” they do provide an opportunity to spend more time with the kids and they usually make a mundane task more enjoyable!

That Sounds Ideal, But What Do You Do When You Fail

In all of these activities, I recognize the need to have guidelines for when things don’t go well.  Honestly, I am not always thrilled to read a bed time story or take a child with me on an errand.  There are times when I want them to just shut off the lights and “GO TO BED” because I have been trying to put them to bed for the past hour!  Yet, when I do fail to treat them as I should, I strive to be honest about my failings by telling them I have wrong them and asking for their forgiveness. 

In addition to honesty, another principle that is incredibly helpful is partnership with my wife.  Often times, I don’t know how to solve an issue with the kids and my wife will have a far better (and usually simpler) solution.  I am learning that rather than trying to ram-rod my guidance to the kids down their throat, it is far more effective to ask my wife for help.

 What is Your Take?

So, where do you land on this issue of the impact father’s can make on their kids through intentionally spending time with them?  What practical methods do you currently use to invest in the children in your life – whether as a parent or just an adult investing in the life of a child you love?