Fathers Build Community

I am passionate about intentionally building community. Personally, I believe community building begins with our families. Recently, I had the opportunity to speak at a special community gathering here in Shanghai when the International Church of Shanghai (ICS) organized an "Aquarium Sleep Over" for children and their fathers. I was delighted to not only join the event with our two oldest children, but also speak to the fathers.

The Kids and I - Tired and Happy After Our "Aquarium Sleep Over"

 

There were two key points in the "Father's Talk" I gave to the 40 or so fathers who attended the sleepover event.

Vision: Why Fathers Matter

First, I shared some facts about the importance of fathers by looking at the impact of "Fatherless Homes" on children. I highlighted the following:

1) Size and History: “At least 24 million children in America -- one out of three -- live in biological father-absent homes.” (Fatherhood.org) In addition, “children living in mother-only households has risen from 8 percent in 1960 to 23 percent in 2010.” (Freakanomics)

2) Impact to the Economy: “Children in father-absent homes are almost four times more likely to be poor. In 2011, 12 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared to 44 percent of children in mother-only families.”  (Fatherhood.org)

3) Impact to Society: “Even after controlling for income, youths in father-absent households still had significantly higher odds of incarceration than those in mother-father families. A 2002 Department of Justice survey of 7,000 inmates revealed that 39% of jail inmates lived in mother-only households.”  (Fatherhood.org)

These tidbits are only the tip of the iceberg – a more complete list can be found here – but the key idea is that fathers make a significant impact on their families and communities as a whole. To keep it relevant to the fathers at the aquarium (and myself), I focused not on the problem in general, but specific tools we can use to make an impact on our own kids.

Key Tool: Spend Time with Your Kids

I suggested that intentionally spending focused time with our kids is one of the best ways to impact their lives. I highlighted two specific time slots I regularly reserve to spend time with our kids:

1) Daily: One of my daily highlights is reading to our kids before they go to bed. The kids pick the book or series they want to read and we rotate between the books that our older two kids have picked. Several of the series that our kids (and I) have especially enjoyed include the Chronicles of Narnia, the Wingfeather Saga and the 100 Cupboard Series.

2) Monthly: Another time slot we carve out is monthly Daddy Dates (for the girls) or Guy Time (for the boys).  The aim of this time is to take the kids individual out to spend focused time with them.  Not only does this time provide deeper insights into the concerns the children have, but it also helps me see the unique passions and gifts of each child.  With our oldest daughter (who is 10) the talk is about how I will help her find a husband, but with our oldest son (who is 7) we are pretending to blow up stuff!

After the event, I recognized that there is a third way of spending time with our kids that I have also found helpful:

 

3) On the Road:  I also seek to take advantage of common tasks to spend time with the kids.  For example, recently I started to take our 3 year old daughter with me on my monthly run to the bank.  While they aren’t a full blown “Daddy Date” they do provide an opportunity to spend more time with the kids and they usually make a mundane task more enjoyable!

That Sounds Ideal, But What Do You Do When You Fail

In all of these activities, I recognize the need to have guidelines for when things don’t go well.  Honestly, I am not always thrilled to read a bed time story or take a child with me on an errand.  There are times when I want them to just shut off the lights and “GO TO BED” because I have been trying to put them to bed for the past hour!  Yet, when I do fail to treat them as I should, I strive to be honest about my failings by telling them I have wrong them and asking for their forgiveness. 

In addition to honesty, another principle that is incredibly helpful is partnership with my wife.  Often times, I don’t know how to solve an issue with the kids and my wife will have a far better (and usually simpler) solution.  I am learning that rather than trying to ram-rod my guidance to the kids down their throat, it is far more effective to ask my wife for help.

 What is Your Take?

So, where do you land on this issue of the impact father’s can make on their kids through intentionally spending time with them?  What practical methods do you currently use to invest in the children in your life – whether as a parent or just an adult investing in the life of a child you love?

Technology as a Productivity Tool

Does getting on-line ever feel overwhelming like this "hyper-connected' guy below? 

Personally, I have felt this way, but in this post I  want to add technology to the mix of tools I began to address in this January 25^th post on the power of personal goals and mono-tasking (focusing on one thing at a time) to make an impact on those around you.  Specifically, I want to focus on how we can leverage technology tools such as e-mail, social media and video to further enhance our ability to connect with others and increase our productivity.

 

Practically I aim to use the following practices to extract the benefits of technology to develop my mono-tasking abilities:

1)    Information Stewardship:  E-mail and social media (especially Twitter and Facebook) provide a flood of information that threatens to overwhelm us every day.  However, there are two practices I use to properly direct this flood so that it enables me to effectively connect with others and accomplish my priority tasks.

a)      Keep E-mail Caged:  First, I have disabled the sound and flashing icon that accompanies every new e-mail so that I don't go to Outlook like a “Pavlovian Puppy” when I receive an e-mail.  Instead I strive to check it between meetings and prioritized tasks.  For other great e-mail practices, check out the 10 best practices in this E-mail Charter - my person favorite is the suggestion to “tighten the thread” by picking up the phone if the issue can’t be resolved in three e-mails.

     

b)     Use Social Media with a Purpose: Rather than being “on” Facebook or Twitter all the time, I attempt to log in only when I have a specific purpose and not linger longer than necessary.  In addition, I seek to prioritize my social media activity into my day; in fact, I find when I am more deliberate about the key things I want to accomplish in a given day, social media often doesn’t make the list.  It is true that social media can be a great way to connect with others, especially those who you are unable to see in person, but many times a personal e-mail or (gasp) a phone call can be a much more effective way to connect with others.

2)    Be present, be honest and show your video:

a)         Be Present: In meetings, I strive to give my undivided attention to the people before me.  In our hyper-connected world it is easy to fall into the trap that I can focus on more than one thing at a time (my e-mail and the person talking to me on the phone), but as this 10 minute TED film called Brain Power illustrates attention is the brain’s most important resource.        

b)     Be Honest: Unfortunately, I can’t always focus on the person I am speaking with and need to attend to other urgent issues.  When that is the case, I aim to be honest with the person in front of me by asking for time to conduct an additional task during the meeting.  For example, “Can you excuse me for a second, I need to wrap up this IM chat before we start our conversation.”

c)      Use Video: According to research by Albert Mehrabian when we talk about feelings or attitudes face to face, 55% of our meaning is conveyed through non-verbal communication.  This means in a world where the vast majority of my work meetings are virtual, I am cutting off over half of my ability to fully convey the meaning of my attitudes when I don’t show my video.  When bandwidth allows I will always show my video to ensure I am maximizing my ability to connect with those I am meeting with.       

Your Opinion: I would love to hear others thoughts on this topic.  Do you see the above two uses of technology as effective ways to connect with others and accomplish your personal goals?  Do you have other methods that you find helpful?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this, whether here in this blog or e-mailing me directly (joabmeyer@global.t-bird.edu). 

Moving Beyond New Year's Resolutions

When you hear the word "New Year's Resolution" do you feel like Calvin (the little boy) in this picture?

If I am honest with myself, I often hold this sort of an attitude towards resolutions, especially if they require me to change.  Given that we are nearly a month into the New Year, I thought it was timely to take stock of personal changes that we may have aspired to in the heady hours of New Year ’s Eve.

Personally I am skeptical of ad hoc resolutions that aren’t rooted in a long term plan. In fact, rather than talking about New Year’s resolutions I think we should focus on our on-going personal goals and the simple technology of wisely using our calendars.

Recently I have discovered the value in what I call “mono-tasking”. My thinking was encouraged by this New York Times article on "mindfulness" that debunks the myth of effective multi-tasking. In fact, it highlighted several studies that show how multi-tasking actually decreases productivity. The biggest idea I took away was the need to focus on the task before you and be present with the person you are with - either virtually over the phone or in person.

Practically I strive to use the following practices to develop my mono-tasking abilities:

1) Have annual goals and keep them updated:

I look at my personal goals around New Year’s by reviewing key priorities – that transcend a specific year.  I then look for ways to focus my activities throughout the day around these priorities. At work, I am thoughtful about my annual performance plan and continually seek input from my manager on where my personal priorities line up with the larger goals of my team and the company as a whole. Setting goals is an on-going process of re-prioritizing through on-going dialogue with my family at home and with my manager and key stakeholders at work.

I have also found Peter Bregman work called “18 minutes” very helpful in identifying key priorities and connecting them to your schedule. If reading another book on time management overwhelms you (as it does me), you can get a great summary of Mr. Bregman’s book in this HBR Ideacast from January 2012.

2) Use a master task list:

Every day I strive to organize my day around a master task list that is connected to my annual goals. My thought is that unless it ends up on my calendar, it is not truly prioritized. I aim to regularly check throughout the day to see if the task I am doing is still the most critical. Peter Bregman also has a great tool that helps you to check in on how your goals align to your calendar called “The 18 Minute Daily Template”.

So what do you think?

Is their value in New Year's resolutions and what practical tools do you use to accomplish your goals?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this, whether here in this blog or e-mailing me directly (joabmeyer@global.t-bird.edu). 

Next Post:  I plan to talk about how we can leverage technology tools such as video and e-mail to further enhance our ability to connect with others and achieve our personal goals.

Leadership Lessons from Huge Grace - Dec 2, 2012

In May 2011 I began co-leading monthly visits to Shanghai Huge Grace Disabled Children Welfare Center (上海广慈残疾儿童福利院), which is commonly referred to as Huge Grace.  It began as a way to build a personal connection for the friends and members of the International Church of Shanghai (ICS) with an organization ICS had begun financially supporting in 2009 by paying for children’s surgeries. 

As I transitioned out of leadership this past weekend, I reflected on some of the key things I learned after taking nearly 150 individual volunteers down to Huge Grace over a year and a half.  As I review the list, what strikes me is the broad application of these skills to my personal and professional development.    

I would highlight at least three key things:

1) Work as a Team and Leverage Personal Talents and Passions:  Not only did I have an incredible co-leader who could leverage his unique strengths to focus on working with the orphanage director and his staff, but each month a volunteer brought unique gifts that I tried to leverage as much as possible.  Whether it was a preschool teacher who had a passion to play games with the younger kids or my local friend who became passionate about helping the less fortunate for the first time, each volunteer brought you particular talents and passions that made each trip unique.

2) Actively Listen, Continuously Tweaking and Personal Ownership:  Early on I decided to have a brief time of group reflection at the end of our time.  One of the key activities was asking “What practical things can we do to improve the impact of our next visit?”  Through actively listening and (most importantly responding) to the suggestions given, we came up with several marvelous “tweaks” to our monthly visits. 

Whether it was deciding to use a curriculum to teach the older kids (rather than picking an ad-hoc topic each month), brining simple instruments to sing songs with the younger kids or developing a booklet with a picture and short description of each child, there were incredible solutions that emerged as we gave everyone a chance to suggest how we could improve.  Furthermore, when someone’s suggestion was acted upon, especially if it was acted on by the one who suggested it, there was a noticeable increase in that person’s engagement the next time they visited.

3) Communicate Your Vision (The “Why”) and Your Plan (The “What”):  Each trip would begin with a short briefing where I would explain both the “Why” and the “What”.  Clearly there are benefits to explaining the basic “What” of the trip – the schedule, the details of the activities we will do with the kids.  However, I also saw a lot of benefit in clearly communicating the “Why” – going back time and again to communicate the overarching vision of each trip. 

There was clear benefit to the volunteers understanding not only that we wanted to obey the Bible that tells us true religion is to visit orphans in their distress (James 1:27), but also that we wanted to “have committed volunteers who can build a relationship with specific children and play a part in their educational development.”  The articulation of the “Why” help to clearly define the specific ways in which we were providing a small degree of assistance to orphans who had significant needs far beyond what we could address comprehensively.

Conclusion: Leadership requires working as a team, listening and responding to suggestions for improvement as well as clear communication of both the “What” and the “Why”.  It is my sincere prayer that has I move from orphanage volunteer work to volunteer work with children in our community who come from broken homes I would be able to carry these lessons with me.  What a gift to have such opportunities – both for my personal development, but more importantly so that I could play a role (even if small) in impacting the less fortunate around me.

Below is one of my favorite pictures from Huge Grace.  These are girls from the elementary aged classroom who were particularly active participants in our teaching time.